Project Runway: Backtrack to 8 Plus 9

I told you I’m slow. It takes me awhile. Okay, maybe not always this long, but, well, awhile.

Look – to paraphrase – I’m no fashion expert, but I know what I like. And if you don’t mind, I’m going to rehash Number Eight a bit, first. I have to. I just don’t get it and I can’t get over it.

From the “Jet Setter” Episode 8:

I don’t know. How many times can you say “Jeffrey is an asshole” in one hour? And do we even want to bother anymore? How many times can Kayne call himself “white trash” in a season? Is he trying to lower our expectations? Wait, wait! I know I know! “White Trash” – That’s his POV! Puhleeze!

We’ve seen our last “fleurchon” people! And Jeffrey finally won a challenge. Will he now shut the fuck up?!? Probably not. Don’t anyone light a match anywhere near this gasbag – his Shmoo-like head (I didn’t steal it, I co-created it) would probably explode… and he’s still not happy! Ever disgracious (yes, I made that up) in victory: “There’s at least one other challenge I should have won,” he interviews after his win. And what’s up with the shiny hook & eye crotch? Advertising? Being a girl, I may not have the best handle on this (pun only sort of intended), but it seems to me you could hurt yourself if you had to pee in a hurry. Personally, I think his outfit was derivative. You can buy those same 3 pieces in any shop that sells to teenagers who want to put together a garage band – except for maybe the shiny crotch. Will someone tell me what’s so fashion-forward about it? And what a liar! Yes, YOU. What a flipping liar! Didn’t he say during No. 7 (the “Everyday Woman” challenge) that there was no way he could make a jacket in one day and still finish everything he had to do? Huh! Suddenly, one week later, with one day to work, he’s put together this very detailed fitted jacket along with the shirt and tight pants. Don’t tell me it didn’t take a little bit of time to make that crotch, either!

I never had anything against Angela. Except for her design sensibility, of course. Remember that the only challenge she won was with the extensive assistance of both Laura and Michael. Shall we take bets on who will be the next target of the Pinheaded Shmoo’s vitriol? (I told you, I didn’t steal it, damn it!)

You know, I never liked Laura in the beginning, but she’s grown on me a bit. As a person, not as a designer. Everyone is always saying how elegant and sophisticated she is, but I don’t see it. I know I’m in the minority here, but someone has to say it. Nearly everything she makes looks the same and you don’t see people ragging on her for that, like you hear about Uli. She’s designing for herself and that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m sorry, Sweetheart, but you are a very fair-skinned skinny, flat-chested lady, and constantly exposing your sternum, making your sharp, pointy shoulders look wider than they are, just doesn’t work. Neither does the severe makeup with the dark red lipstick. You remind me of Joan Crawford in “Mommy Dearest.” Which is kind of scary since you have (almost) 6 kids. It ages you. Some people think that’s what you’re going for: a timeless look. It may be a good thing to look 50 when you’re 60, but Honey, you’re only 42 and you look 50 now. I should know. I’m almost there, myself.

I don’t disagree with the “aufing” of Angela. Forget the horrible fabrics she chose – that ensemble was just plain bad. Really. This girl can’t wrap her head around the concept of “jet setter”, but she knows who Catherine Malandrino is? I read the recent scuttlebutt that Angela actually asked Malandrino to work her Fashion Week runway show. Have you no pride, Girl? After she frenchily, sniffily dissed you like that? And do we think Malandrino will take her up on it? Ummm. Hmmm.

On to No. 9, “Couture du Jour”:

What do I know about couture? Not a damn thing. Not even how to spell it (I had to double-check).

I can’t believe Jeffrey won this challenge. I’ve seen this hideous excuse for a “gown” described as a mustard-stained tablecloth for a camping outing. I can’t disagree. The design itself is very similar to the one he did for No. 5: “Iconic Statement”. You know, the horror he put together for Madonna? I speak of the unflattering square bunching at the hips with the big bows. Jeffrey, just break down and get an oval hip hoop for your model, ala 18th century. You’ll use a lot less fabric that way. I still remember the judges chiding Robert for the back slit in his skirt for the Macy’s challenge: that it was too high and revealing. And last season, the judges chiding someone else for “vulgarity” when the skirt of an ice skating costume was a little short on the model. Geez! At least she had a matching panty! Talk about your “too much tootie”. Maybe a little coordinating boy-cut panty underneath for the sake of what? modesty? It might have been even more alluring.

I don’t know. There was something disturbingly “Lolita-esque” about this dress. Like it belonged on a Barbie doll, but not. The fabric looked juvenile and out of place. Sort of like making a Frederick’s of Hollywood peek-a-boo bra out of bunny-print flannel. Eeewwww. Yuck. (Appropos of nothing, but did anyone else notice that the French model wore white flats with this dress, while the New York model had color-coordinated heels? I’m just sayin’.) Jeffrey should have been auf’ed after the Everyday Woman challenge. He deliberately designed and made the ugliest thing he possibly could, just because he had Angela’s mother as a model and he couldn’t stand making something for someone who does not fit his mental stereotype of his prototypical customer. That’s not what this show is supposed to be about. It’s supposed to be about launching the next great American designer. Jeffrey has missed on every single challenge. He should be launched alright… to the planet formerly known as Pluto. He’ll probably make it into the top 3, just like Santino, last season. Because, let’s face it, folks, we’re all talking about him, aren’t we?

I liked Kayne’s dress. I thought the skirt was GORGEOUS and the top was, I thought, appropriately dramatic. Sue me. Don’t. I work for lawyers. Yes, I suppose it was a bit pageant-y, but I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. Since when does fashion mean necessarily simple, plain, severe? I never much cared for the styles of the Edwardian era, and I just don’t see them making much of a comeback.

Uli – make a new dress, will you? I live in Miami, too. I understand where you’re coming from. I thought it was patently unfair for the judges to diss your “jet setter” dress as being only appropriate for Miami, Italy, the south of France. That’s who you are designing for, and that’s your backstory. They accepted Michael’s outfit because he said he was “going to hang with Diddy in the Hamptons.” Perfectly appropriate. Not appropriate, perhaps, for nighttime clubbing in Paris or Rome or New York. Why your dress had to be appropriate for a situation you didn’t design it for, is beyond me. But, Darling Uli, MAKE SOMETHING ELSE!!! A sleeve might be nice. Just one. That’s all I’m asking.

Don’t get me wrong. I adore Michael. I love him to pieces. I truly hope he wins. He has the most incredible brain and he can change course in an eyeblink. He took this “couture” challenge truly seriously and tried to design with those concepts in mind, even though he’s never done it before. Kudos! You should receive extra credit just for that. The one thing you should have kept in mind, however, is just how tiny on top your models were. If you had just scaled back the “mouseketeer ears” to the correct proportions, the look would have been very elegant. I think you just got a bit carried away. Don’t do it again. My heart couldn’t stand it.

Laura – a little tissue between the layers of tulle of your collar before you packed it, might have made all the difference in the world. Still, I think it wasn’t original and very reminiscent of previous designers (’60’s? ’70’s?). I can’t believe the hormones are causing you to make inappropriate color and fabric choices. The couple of times you strayed from using black, the colors were just wrong (seafoam green and blue for the “Everyday Woman”; pale, flesh-color for your “Jet Setter”). Again, you seem to be designing for yourself — inappropriately severe and way too mature.

I will not miss Vincent. He’s a burn-out and no longer of this world. Is he a product of too much sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll in the 70’s? Maybe. No excuse. “Sweet” Vincent, my ass. He never hesitated to dish the other designers, usually with no cause. He was like that skinny little geek in high school – always trying to fit in, but by making inappropriate comments (you thought were supposed to be cool and clever), never could. Go march to your own drummer, fella. Maybe the job that got you that 401(k) will take you back, now that you’ve been on national television. The Americans With Disabilities Act should cover you. Just get out of fashion and hope your wife doesn’t divorce you. We don’t need another homeless wacko on Flagler Street, giggling and talking to himself.

Next up, the Olsen Twins(???). Really???? No. Maybe that was just an allusion to some other skinny little teenagers? Would it make a difference?

Ciao, kids.