Project Runway: Stream of Consciousness Recap – Ep. 5

So, you have to know that I was torn this week. As I might have inferred last week, I’m an Olympics freak and how dare they put a Project Runway on opposite the freaking Olympics! So I’m recording that hour and watching this. My heart’s still with Natalie Coughlin. Look it up.

Open on Daniel lifting weights. “I am not going to be on the bottom anymore.” Foreshadowing?

Oompa-loompa-licious says as he goes out the door “Team Dramalicious!” then he forgets to close the door. Idiot. I am running out of ways in my head to torture this air-head. Stuff him in a dark closet until he fades to the color of normal Caucasians in Minnesota?

Korto stays with her model (whoever) and Heidi says that they would be designing for a high-powered, professional woman.

As the “designers” sit around the workroom, guesses are Nancy Grace, Joan Rivers, Sharon Osbourne (Oh, Stella…)

Tim gathers them around and repeats what Heidi said earlier: that they would be designing for a high-powered professional woman, and here is Brooke Shields, model, author, actress and fashion icon. Suede – who does not refer to himself in the third person during the entire episode! – remembers her Calvin Klein commercials. Really? Were you even born, then?

The challenge is to design an outfit for Wendy Heely (spelling? I don’t watch that crap – I watch this crap), Brooke’s character on Lipstick Jungle, who is a studio executive, married to a musician, and living a Bohemian lifestyle. Is someone kidding me, here? The outfit has to be something that will carry her from day to night. Ah! the first “team challenge” – they’ll be working in teams of 2.

They will be pitching their design sketches to Brooke, who will decide whose designs will be actually created for the challenge.

Kenley knows most of these people don’t know what they’re doing, so she’s worried.

Jerrell decides that he finally needs to listen to what the challenge calls for. It took you five episodes to figure that out, did it?

Just the highlights:

Kelli wants to do animal prints (Lipstick Jungle. Get it?)

Daniel thinks that his “Mediterranean background” – his father is Moroccan and his mother is Israeli – allows him to see the different ways women can be. Huh?

Brooke asks Keith if the skirt in his sketch shows ruffles. He says that it’s really layers of fringe, because that’s what he’s “all about.”

Stella wants to make a tough dress with a corset over the top. Brooke is concerned and says that her character “still has to go to work in this.” Stella looks stunned and her jaw drops when she hears this.

Brooke chooses: Keith, Korto, Jerrell, Kelli (with the caveat that her leopard print isn’t too “jungle-y”), Terri and Oompa-loompa-licious. REALLY??? When choosing Oompa – whose design is centered around Bermuda shorts, for God’s sake, Brooke said she was scared, but she was intrigued at the same time by a concept so completely different.

And now for the partners: Oompa chooses Leane (if she sticks around long enough, I might actually learn to spell her name); Keith picks Kenley (he knows that she’s a control freak, but thinks he can control her); Terri picks Suede; Korto picks Joe; Kelli picks Daniel because she doesn’t think that Stella can construct what she wants. Jerrell gets stuck with Stella, but says that there is going to be leather in his outfit and he wanted her anyway and that they were going to play to her “skill set”. What a good guy! Could I actually start rooting for Jerrell? Nah. Sorry, I was having an Olympics-team-
player moment.

At Mood:

Kenley doesn’t like anything except this really hideous teeny flower print. Keith hates it, and knows that it’s not the statement he’s going for, but she’s being insistent. Tim comes over, and when asked his opinion, he suggests that they keep looking. Hee! Good one!

Daniel is not a fan of Kelli’s leopard print and lace. It does not play to his excellent taste.

Did you notice that only AFTER looking at all the sketches and fabrics, did they announce that Brooke will really wear the winning design on Lipstick Jungle? I’m telling you – they’re still worried about another Miss Universe disaster. Either that, or they’re so unsure of the skill and taste levels this season, they just don’t want to take a chance. Hmmm? Anyway, that’s the prize. It’s so big that the winner will not get immunity this week.

Suede calls Terri over and says they don’t have enough fabric. Suede always has a concerned look on his face and is making Terri crazy. Now, I just want to be clear here that I am no prude and, when the occasion calls for it, I can swear like a sailor. But never on national television. “I don’t know what he’s packing, balls or a v-jj…” No, I really can’t repeat the rest of her statement. Ick! Terri really has a filthy mouth! Get that girl some Orbit. Ewww. She has Suede make the top and then she says it’s “jacked up”. I think that means bad. And not in a good way.

Kenley asks Suede how the top turned out and Terri says “It’s horrible.” Kenley fakes a shocked expression, looks at Suede with a smile and says “Get ready to defend yourself!”

Oompa‘s parents are divorced and remarried and he says that they’re all crazy. He thinks he gets his crazy from his family. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to the cure, Oompa!

Kenley says that they “need a cleaner, chicer look” and and that Keith’s design was a “too South Beachy-cheesy look”. Hey! I resemble that remark!

Tim comes in with a surprise — He’s sending in the models for an early fitting.

Daniel’s skirt is half-ruched, half-not and is a [hot tranny] mess. Kelli tells him to cut something new.

Tim is concerned about Oompa’s shorts and says that he needs to do something to make them “evening” or even appropriate for an office. Holla atcha boy. Tim smiles but does not play. I think this little catchphrase is finally going to die a slow, natural death. Thank you, Tim!

Tim loves Jerrell’s & Stella’s outfit. It’s very chic – strong but feminine.

Korto is making a huge, billowy orange jacket. Joe is a little concerned because it’s too poofy. Tim says that it looks like a big sweet potato. Reality check! Korto gets on Joe’s ass for not saying anything sooner, because she has immunity and it’s really his neck on the line. If Joe’s crossing the street and a bus is coming, she’s not going to say, oh well, he just really wanted to cross the street. She’s going to reach out and grab him and say, hey! there’s a bus coming! Say something now before it’s too late. We see her tossing the jacket on the cutting table in disgust.

Next morning:

Just an observation, Keith: Why bother with a printed t-shirt with those full-body tattoos? I thought you were already wearing a shirt. Redundant. I’m just sayin’.

Runway show:

Korto’s jacket has a belt on it. Nice save. The sleeveless dress is taupe. Frankly, the top doesn’t fit very well. It puckers funny. Like for boobs that aren’t there. And never will be, poor girl.

Kelli and Daniel designed something for Brooke’s character that definitely goes into evening – Lady of the Evening.

Jerrell and Stella really did well! I’m kind of surprised how well that dress – and particularly the cool belt – works! Bravo!

Keith and Kenley’s dress is okay. It doesn’t really knock my socks off, which almost guarantees that the judges will love it. Nice floral top that you almost don’t notice because of the high-waisted heavy brown fring-y skirt.

Terri and Suede’s was the only pants-based outfit, and that’s why Brooke chose Terri’s design in the first place. Tight pants, and even though Terri came around to loving the top, the model had to make an adjustment, because it started to fall off of her from the top!

Oompa did not do anything to those Bermuda shorts to make them dressy. Geez. They’re khaki. Inappropriate for the boardroom and a night on the town. And hideous to boot. He and Leeane hit the trifecta on this one.

Best & Worst: Blayne & Leane. Kelli and Daniel. Jerrell and Stella. Keith and Kenley.

The Judges:

Jerrell and Stella. Brooke is concerned about the belt. Heidi loves the belt. MK loves it. Heidi’s favorite. Sorry, Brooke. You’re overruled.

Kelli and Daniel. Kelli said that she did the jacket, Daniel made the skirt and they both worked on the – what is that? – a camisole? a corset? She says that she was designing a sexy suit. Brooke said that the shape is “unfortunate” (love that!) and it looks cheaper than it did in the sketch. MK: “Hello? Slutty, slutty, slutty!” Daniel should have said something. Daniel says that he has “impeccable taste. High-end taste.” Kenley starts cracking up. Laughing out loud! Right there on the runway! That girl just can not control herself! Daniel turns to her, clueless, and says: “What? What’s so funny?” The judges say that Kelli wanted to show what Kelli likes. Daniel has not brought much to the table, and not just in this challenge. I’m telling you, he’s going home. Maybe not this week, but soon. What was he saying earlier about not being in the bottom anymore? Guaranteed.

Keith and Kenley. They brought the best of each of them to their dress. Her structure, his taste. They think it’s beautiful, unique, classy, sophisticated. Keith listened and designed something for that character.

Blayne (okay, I’ll use his real name just this once) and Leanne. Brooke said earlier when she picked his sketch that she was scared. And she was right. It was too casual and not sophisticated enough. Heidi said it looks like she got dressed without a mirror and in the dark. I thought it looked like she dressed to go hiking. In heels.

Decision: The winners are Keith and Kenley! Fooled me there. I thought for sure it would be Jerrell and Stella. I thought theirs was much more appropriate.

Leeane is in. Daniel is in… got me again. Is my MJ right? Is Kelli about to be auf-ed? I’ll be damned! MJ is getting very good at this game…

Kelli is pissed and says that she didn’t deserve to go home. Tell us how you really feel, Kelli. Stella is in tears! Why? Kelli says to the designers not going home that “Everything happens for a reason” and that maybe she’ll go home and hit the lottery. And maybe I’ll get a gold medal on the uneven bars.

Next week: Designing outfits for transvestites(!). Introduced by Chris March from last season – who wuz robbed, if you ask me. I know you didn’t, but it is my blog. Tim says that something “looks like a pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park.”

Can’t wait!