It’s 49 degrees with a windchill. Tourist.

To tide you over till my Project Runway recap, I bring you an example of a “crime against maternity fashion” to illustrate last week’s episode. Girl, break down and get some ACTUAL maternity wear! Or maybe it’s the lack of fashionable maternity clothing that makes young moms stay in their regular clothing for far too long… Discuss!

Please keep in mind that, while I am technically “petite”, I am not tiny. Which does not mean that I am prejudiced against full-sized, full-figured women. I am one. I’m just short. That also does not mean, however, that common sense gets thrown out the window.

So, just one small observation, before I forget, inspired by my shopping trip to Tar-jay, yesterday, and specifically addressed to whoever makes the “Merona” label:

It should be against the law to manufacture “Daisy Duke” shorts – denim, twill, or any other fabric – in size 18. Some things are just really not meant to be. You people are encouraging bad behavior.

I wanna write citations.

You know, I just can’t leave this alone. I’m having freaking nightmares about this dress!

About six or seven years ago, MJ used to be awe-struck by adult people on inline skates. “Hey! He’s around my age! If he can do it, why can’t I?” So for the holidays that year, I got him (and me) inline skates, pads, helmet – the works. And you know what? Neither one of us could stay vertical for more than, oh, I don’t know, 60 seconds at a time. Size 14 inline skates apparently being very difficult to find, I did manage to make a profit on them on eBay.

High heels.

Can’t wear ‘em. Oh, well, not strictly true. I can put them on my feet. I can stand up and remain vertical for, oh, I don’t know, 60 seconds at a time.

I watch other women on Flagler Street walking in them and wonder how they do it. Then I realize that no, they can’t either. They’re all leaning forward, ankles wobbling a bit. And I think to myself, “Geez, the shoes are cute, but why would you wear something you can’t walk in upright?”

What brought this on? Well, MJ made some tea and an English cheddar cheese plate, and put on an Eddie Izzard show that he recorded awhile back. I am in awe of Eddie Izzard. Not because he’s an actually intelligent and apparently well-educated comedian – which he is – but because of his shoes. They’ve got to be six-inch spike heeled, pointy toe boots. They’re really cute.

No, I have not been able to take my eyes off of his feet. And I can’t help saying out loud, “Dammit! If he can wear those things, why can’t I?“