I’m not sure how this happened, but we just had possibly the worst Indian meal we have ever eaten in a restaurant. The place is called Heelsha and it is located in North Miami Beach. Let me start over:

MJ and I had to be in NMB Thursday evening, and since we were in the neighborhood, we thought we’d finally try Heelsha. We’d heard so many wonderful things about it. Heelsha is owned and run by a husband and wife from Bangladesh, and indeed the restaurant is named after what could be called the national fish of Bangladesh. We’d read all the rave reviews on the web and in print. And while we never had the pleasure of eating at this couple’s previous restaurant, they were at the South Beach Food & Wine Festival a couple of years ago, and we thought their food was awesome. We were psyched!

Omen of things to come: The papadums arrived at the table stone-cold and undercooked. How can I describe it? Have you ever cooked a pappadum in the microwave? You know you have. You didn’t want to dirty a pan with cooking oil and you just wanted a couple, and anyway you avoid some fat by just sticking one on a paper plate and tossing it in the microwave. Right? You remember what it looked like: pale and kind of bumpy and a couple of hard raw spots on one side. Okay, it happens sometimes at home. But at a restaurant? A good restaurant? Not an auspicious beginning.

Then came the vegetable samosas – promisingly crispy on the outside. And then – thick, doughy, and bland. Followed by the potato-stuffed puri. A puri (sometimes “poori”), for the uninitiated, is a light, crispy, balloon of a bread. It is the lightest and most tender of all the Indian breads. I’ve seen sturdier breads stuffed – parathas, for example. And that works. So let’s stop and contemplate the wisdom of stuffing a puri for just a moment. What arrived at the table was a thick, leaden, greasy slab, any puff having been sliced open and spread with a thin layer of somewhat seasoned mashed potato and then smashed back together. MJ thought it tasted like a knish. I think that’s insulting the venerable knish.

Of course, it doesn’t end there. Next up was the saag paneer (spinach with fresh cheese) and the pumpkin vhuna, which is supposed to be roasted pumpkin sauteed with onion and green pepper. Here’s the weird part: aside from the fact that the pumpkin was cloyingly sweet and the spinach tasted like tea, both dishes appeared to be identically seasoned. And not in a good way, either. There were only a few actual chunks of pumpkin, so both dishes had nearly the identical texture, too. And even after the post-mortem (we took the leftovers home – not to eat – but to dissect them in good light), I still couldn’t tell what dry, woody stuff it was we kept biting into that was getting stuck in our teeth. Bits of dry coriander (cilantro) stems? Green (chili?) pepper seeds? It was nasty.

Needless to say, dessert and chai did not follow.

I really can’t explain it. Has Heelsha gone downhill since it won its “Best Indian Food In Miami” award from Miami New Times last year? Were they having a bad night? Was the third-string team doing the cooking? Maybe they just don’t like vegetarians? (I’m not vegetarian – I just play one on TV). I don’t think we’ll be back. It’s a long way to go for what could be another disappointment.

So, if you’re in the Miami, Florida area and looking for good Indian food, there are a number of very good choices. I’m just not sure that this is one of them.
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